Since I skipped college to go straight to the professional basketball level, I missed out on the excitement of playing in the NCAA tournament on CBS national television.

A lot of people will stop me when I am being famous walking down the road (or street) around this time of the calendar year and say things like, "Don't you wish you had gone to college?" You could win the NCAA trophy!"

I take these people to lunch and show them how much money I have inside my bank accounts, and then they can agree with me - college just wasn't something I needed.

It's for people like Tracy McGrady and Al Harrington.

Wink at you.

For these reasons and many more, Ohio State will win the trophy.

A lot of stupid people make inane statements like the idea that the Cleveland Cavaliers are as bad as the New York City Knickerbockers in the absence of one LeBron James.

I would like to counter with the following:

1) Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison, Shaq, Anderson Varajeo, Delonte West and the other Cavaliers are better than Dano Ganliro and whoever the rest of the Knicks are. Keep in mind that AV and West do not even start.

2) The Cavs play excellent team defense regardless of who is on the floor (within reason). They are capable of winning games even if LeBron is not playing and/or he's having an off night. If you can get stops, you can win. The Knicks play no defense at all. Their system is built for failure.

3) The Cavs arguably have one of the top two or three owners in the NBA. The Knicks have arguably the worst.

That is all.

I was watching RETURN OF THE JEDI the other day while talking to Petey about Shaquille O'Neal's thumb surgery. 

Petey has had thumb surgery 4 times, so I was holding a natural curiosity with regard to possible recovery times for Shaquille O'Neal.

As Petey showed me the various positions the doctors had placed his thumb inside the casts in, I exclaimed quite memorably the following:

SHAQ'S THUMB NO BOTHER...!

You see, it was the part of RETURN OF THE JEDI was Jabba the Hutt was forcing our heroes (Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, R2D2, and C-3PO) to become sad about their pending death sentence inside the Sarlac Pit. 

During this portion of the movie, Jabba says:

NO BOTHA WOOKIE CHEWBACCA...! HO HO HO...!

What he is really saying - and I was determined to explain this to Petey - was that he would no longer waste time on these foolish so-called heroes, and he did not sweat them.

"Do not bother with the Wookie Chewbacca, for he cannot harm us," might be the literal English translation.

Such is the case with Shaq's thumb. It appears as if he will need surgery, which he already had this week. 

In this scenario, Delonte West is Luke Skywalker. 

Have gotten a lot of questions lately regarding Greg Oden and George Hill - most people are wondering one of three things:

1) Why are they taking naked pictures of themselves?

2) Why are they sending them to people who they clearly should not trust?

3) What is email?

I don't know the answer to the third or first questions, but the second question is simple.

Every NBA player carries four cell phones. One is your normal phone for friends and family. One is for your business dealings. One is for your booty calls.

The fourth phone is the most interesting one, and the one that probably got Greg and George in trouble.

(It's also the most logical explanation for this phenomenon - hopefully this eases minds next time this happens.)

It's called the Wild Card Phone, and what you do with it is take a bunch of naked (or scandalous) pictures of yourself with it, then leave at a club, or in a cab, or at a booty girl's house, or at Subway.

Nobody knows why we have to do this, but it's in the Collective Bargaining Agreement that we have to. All the coaches have to, as well.

Where is my Wild Card Phone, you ask? It's at a Subway in rural Kansas with Andre Miller's WCP - I'm just waiting for my day of reckoning.

The Cavaliers look nice!

More than any story of the past week, the one that has hung over my brain the most has been Zach Randolph attaining his first appointment to the NBA All-Star Team of America.

I have known Zach for several years, and I am unable to express in simple words how pleased I am to know that he will be in Dallas this month.

Being a formal history buff, Zach will be able to enjoy many of the finest Dallas historical allegations, such as Point Bluffe, the Vitamin Shoppe, and American Airlines Arenae.

As he reigns his special jump shots down on his fellow All-Stars, Zach may be also compelled to think of his own history, and his former affections for putting doobies inside his mouth and lighting them on fire.

Doobies and Zach Randolph have gone hand-in-hand for many years, both literally and figuratively. Now, however?

Per se?

Zach Randolph!

(Before we get to my missive, those of you who doubted my ability to play the game of basketball, you're now on notice - watch and learn, son.)

No, you are not to imply from that title that I am on steroids, or ever have been on steroids.

In point of fact, I have nothing against them on a conceptual level, save for they are against the rules of my sport. I am nothing if not honest and amazing.

I did want to take a moment to shed some light on Mark Paul Gosselar's use of steroids before his stint on Saved By the Bell: The College Years.

This was, frankly, something I had always suspected.

In fact, during the original run of Saved By the Bell, I often wondered if Zack (nay, Mark) was envious of how strong Slater (nay, Mario Lopez) was.

Would he ever do something about it, or did he feel his acting charm and natural charisma could carry him through?

The answers - both shocking and not-so-shocking, considering his noticable physical transformation between the two series - are now here.

Zack was jealous of Slater's muscles. Or was Mark Paul jealous of Mario? Was this bulking up for his college experience a choice for the character or for himself?

These are the answers we may never get, so I shall assume what I like. And you?

I can't believe how hungry I am for potato crisps.

I am sitting here riding this exercise bicycle to help my elbow rehab while I watch the Lakers and Mavs, and I can't stop thinking about the crisps - the ones that are made from potatos.

Kobe just ran down the court, and while he was running, the people in the stands were all amazed that he kept playing - his back and hand both have injuries inside them, after all.

The people were yelling - yelling - yelling - yelling at him.

"KOBE! HOW IS YOUR BACK!!?"

"KOBE! LOOK OUT FOR THINGS THAT COULD FURTHER DAMAGE YOUR HAND!"

These were the Mavs fans, keep in mind. Shows you a thing or two about respect. The man continues to play - I hope they give him a trophy that indicated how tough he is being.

In all honesty, I've never had potato crisps. 

My elbow hurts.

Chewbacca.

The biggest question now lingering over Gilbert Arenas is what to do about his contract.I'm getting asked my opinion quite a bit on my Facebook Page.

Much speculation says the Wizards are secretly happy about this, since the option may be there to terminate, and rid the cumbersome dollars and length of Arenas's deal from their salary cap.

This, due to Gilbert's inability to bounce back from his multiple sad knees, along with his generally subpar play and disruptive attitude.

The question to ask is this: would Washington be getting rid of their own poor decision-making on a false moral high-ground they would never stand on were Gilbert still the player he used to be? If it happens, is it actually a business decision?

On the counter-side, Gilbert isn't the player he was, and he has crossed a moral and legal line worthy of contract termination.

I can't help but wonder though...if this were myself, or Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James, is terminating that contract even a consideration?

What will be will be. The players union doesn't have the same hold over David Stern and the NBA owners as exists in baseball. I'd expect Gilbert to see his contract industrially shredded as soon as the federal and legal issues come into focus.

I continue to be glad I have never succumbed to being involved in any sort of gun-related anything. I can't imagine taking such a course of action, no matter one's destiny.

A lot of people tell me that I remind them of Gilbert Arenas, but the truth is that Gilbert Arenas is reminding them of me.

Regardless of which way your comparison flows, the important thing is that I would never do what he did, which is use a gun in a joking manner.

In any case, if I'm going to threaten someone with a gun - via myself or a third party - I'm going to mean it, and you're going to get shot.

That doesn't mean I am a murderer, so please do not misinterpret my words. I will only mean to injure you. I am injurer, and only if you deserve it. Like that time I shot Petey.

Gun owners everywhere are embarrassed by your actions, Gilbert. Guns are for hurting and killing, not for simple tomfoolery of the kind you seem to enjoy.

Lakers by 7.

I AM CALVIN STADIUMS.

I was watching the Rose Bowl yesterday from a hot air balloon, and could not believe the thoughts that were coming into my head.

Primarily, I was focused on the Allstate commercial with Dennis Haysbert - you may know him as the President from early seasons of the television program 24.

In one of my favorite versions of these advertisements, Haysbert says the following.

Things aren't as important as building ones you love.

That is a small bit of paraphrasing I have done with his words, but the point is easily relayed to Ohio State Coach Tim Jressel's post game interview.

When asked about the school's title chances next season, his answer was short and direct - he was going to honor and respect the team he is with right now, and enjoy the big win in the big game.

I like to think he is friends with Dennis Haysbert and that they are in a sauna nodding knowingly at each other right now, because they both "get it".

I AM CALVIN STADIUMS.